Looking to avoid sexual slip ups? Unsure what constitutes a fornication faux-pas? Not to worry, Eevee editor, Siobhan Carney highlights 5 things you should avoid during any sexual encounter…
Sex: you’ve probably done it at some point.
If so, congratulations! Not only have you managed to persuade another person to get naked in your presence, but also that it’s a good idea for them to repeatedly mash their genitals against yours until both of you (ideally), or one of you (usually) starts to get that ‘fuzzy’ feeling in your ‘special places’.
But before you start thinking of yourself as some kind of love God/Goddess, it’s important to remember that your enthusiasm for doing the ‘hibbidy-dibbidy’ should always be tempered by the knowledge that: with great power comes great responsibility. (Assuming, of course, that ‘great power’ doesn’t accidentally finish first, roll over and fall asleep.)
Thanks to the internet, (and E.L James) we know that sex – like a Christmas Quality Street tin- is crammed with variety. Or, at least, it is until some inconsiderate asshole nabs all the delicious purple ones and leaves you the tragic task of shifting through the rejects, like Strawberry Surprise, Orange crème and…
…hold on a sec, what were we talking about again? Oh, that’s right, sex.
The point is, as many different ways as there are to do IT; there are an infinite number of ways to ruin IT.
Just because you successfully consummated that one drunken fumble, does not mean you’re suddenly immune to all forms of sexual slip up, bedroom blunder or fornication faux-pas.
Still, you’re probably quite confident in your technique. After all, nothing you could do would be THAT bad, right?
Here’s a list of 5 things you should NEVER do during sex.
There are many moments in life when tears are an acceptable reaction. For example:
Learning your beloved childhood pet has gone to the big kennel in the sky; the birth of your first child; that scene from the lion king when Mufusa bites the dust…
You want to know when tears are NOT an acceptable reaction? Before, during or after intercourse.
At absolutely NO point in your life should you cry during consensual sex. It doesn’t matter how amazingly moving that sex was. There is nothing that tears accomplish that a well-timed ‘thumbs up’, or a casual, ‘nice work there, buddy’ do not.
I mean, aside from the weirdness of sobbing whilst your pants are off, the whole scenario raises a number of questionable moral issues. For example: should you stop? Carry on? And if you do carry on, how are you supposed to view the encounter afterwards? Do you take it as a compliment? “Sex with me is so awesome that people can’t contain their emotions.” Or, more likely: “Sex with me is so tragic that it makes people burst into tears. I’m destined to become a eunuch and die alone.”
No, I don’t mean dirty talk (although ‘bad dirty talk’ does make this list).
I mean chit-chat, nattering, shooting the breeze.
I love small talk during sex…said no one in the world. EVER.
In the words of Eminem – it’s extremely difficult to ‘lose yourself in the moment’ if your bedroom buddy is grilling you about your political affiliations, or complimenting you on the quality of your décor.
Let’s face it, there’s something about nakedness which kind of implies that all forms of in-depth discussion are off the table. I mean, no one wants to discuss Welfare reform, or who got voted out of Sunday night’s X-Factor whilst their genitals are on display.
Making small talk with a taxi driver is fine. Making small talk in the bedroom is not.
3. Constructive Criticism
No one really likes criticism. When people say stuff like “I appreciate you giving me this feedback” they’re either:
A.) Lying through their teeth
B.) A contestant on The Apprentice.
People especially do not like being critiqued on their sexual performance. You’re naked; you’re vulnerable; you’re keen to make a good impression; the last thing you want is to have some Simon Cowell wannabe pausing midway through and telling you that you just don’t have the (se)X-Factor.
If you ARE going to offer feedback during sex, you might want to try rewarding the good behaviour – i.e. complimenting the stuff you do like, and ignoring the stuff you do not. Hopefully, your bedroom buddy will take the hint. Think more along the lines of: “Oh, I love it when you do that!” And less: “For ***** sake, are you TRYING to kill me? How many times must I tell you? You want to cup them…Cup, C.U.P, get it? You don’t squeeze!”
The ability to multi-task is a great quality to have.
Being able to undertake several tasks simultaneously is always going to have its advantages: Applying for a job? Go ahead and flag that shizz up on your resume. Debating parenthood? Get ready to multi-task, muthaf**ka!
I mean, God dammit, when ISN’T multitasking useful?
During sex, that’s when.
No one, I repeat, NO ONE, is ever going to be impressed by your ability to multitask during sex. (And by ‘multitasking’ I mean attempting to undertake another non-sexually related activity whilst banging your partner.) Sex is one of those rare occasions where your attention should be entirely focused on the job in hand *snigger* – you know, kind of like neurosurgery or tightrope walking.
Just because you CAN answer the phone and have a conversation with your mother during sex, doesn’t mean you should. In fact, you definitely shouldn’t; it’s creepy and weird.
5. (Awkward) dirty talk
I like to think of dirty talk as the ‘Keane’ of the sex world: Not to everyone’s taste but easily relegated to background noise.
Bad bedroom banter, on the other hand, is like a Jason Derulo ‘greatest hits’ album: You start to ‘talk dirty’ someone responds by asking ‘whatcha say’ and the whole episode ends with you ‘ridin solo’.
Like a lot of things in life, talking dirty is far too easy to do badly.
The mistake most people make with this sort of thing is that they try to describe what they’re doing in painfully technical terms – kind of like they’re at the world’s most uncomfortable hospital appointment.
Whilst it’s never set in stone, people appear to struggle for two major reasons:
A.) Either they’re not really in to it – in which case the whole episode can sound like they’re reading out the instructions for an IKEA flat-pack wardrobe: “Oh baby, please put screw A into slot B.”
B.) They’re far TOO into it, which means they get carried away and end up blurting out something ridiculous like “I’m going to pound you like a sausage,” or “I love it when we lock crotches and swap gravy.”
If you aren’t going to do it well, then maybe don’t do it at all, eh? Sometimes, silence really is the best option.