Ever wondered what would happen if Hollywood movies were more realistic? Siobhan Carney provides you with some more surreal imaginings…
In the spirit of honesty, I’ve a small confession to make.
Until very recently I, Siobhan Louise Carney, had never seen a single instalment of the Twilight saga.
Whilst everyone around me was banging on about their allegiance to team Edward or team Jacob, I would – more often than not – laugh sarcastically and roll my eyes.
Now in my defence, this attitude was partly based on the fact that the film’s sole purpose appeared to be aimed at appeasing gaggles of screaming, overly hormonal teenage girls. Plus, I’d always secretly believed that Taylor Lautner had the neck of a baby giraffe, Kristen Stewart had the expression of one who is permanently in the throes of agonising pain, and that Robert Pattison was a pretentious, sour-faced English toff, with overly moussed and ridiculously self-indulgent hair.
To tell you the truth, I’d always been rather proud of the fact that I’d never seen a single Twilight film. I’d listen to others dissecting the lustful looks between Edward and Bella, and all the while I’d secretly congratulate myself on somehow being immune from the hysteria. All this was true until Boxing Day when – under the influence of alcohol – I was finally persuaded to sit down and watch the series.
Now I know what you’re thinking – but the answer is no. I haven’t suddenly transformed into a rabid twilight fan, I’m not breathlessly enthralled by the angst ridden love story of Edward and Bella, and I have definitely not developed a weird obsession with Taylor Lautner (he of the freakishly long neck). But did I enjoy the films? Well, with some reluctance I must admit that the answer is yes. However, whilst the saga proved better than expected, I was also more than a little amused by the some of the ridiculous plot twists.
For example, I found myself laughing disdainfully at the notion that ANYONE might find Bella remotely attractive. Apart from her stalkerish obsession with Edward (and the fact that she’s only able to act out two facial expressions: ‘shocked Bella’ and ‘sad Bella’), she also spends three entire movies, (that’s over six hours of MY life), moping and whining about the fact that two attractive men are in love with her. As if all that wasn’t bad enough, she then plays one off against the other – thus ensuring her place as Hollywood’s ultimate p***k tease. If I didn’t hate the character so much I’d probably admire her. (It’s at this point that I should point out again that I definitely hate the character…I mean, really, really, hate.)
Luckily, I’m not the only one.
Apparently, even Edward finds her annoying. How else would you explain his refusal to change her into a vampire? Of course, he attempts to fob her off by pretending to be concerned for her “soul” but – let’s be honest here -would you want to be stuck with Bella for eternity?
Anyway, the whole situation made me wonder about the millions of other films that abandon reality in favour of ridiculousness. I don’t know about you, but I have never read a single story about someone surviving an explosion because they dived 3ft in the opposite direction. Nor have I ever turned on the television and immediately seen a huge breaking news story that was totally relevant to my own situation.
Real life just doesn’t work like that. Still, it does make you think. I mean, what would Hollywood be like with a healthy dose of realism thrown in?
Luckily for you, Eevee Life has put together some mock-ups. So if you’ve ever puzzled over what The Joker does when he’s not terrorising Gotham City, or found yourself wondering how Edward Scissorhands likes unwind, you’re in for a treat.
Have a look at this lot…